Ellipses are wonderful

So as the bitches, the moans, the whines continued to pile in and reach a fevered pitch, I decided to update my blog. Here's the problem, though. As I sat staring at the screen, I realized I have nothing to say right now. The field of ideas was barren. The creativity was not coursing through my veins and coming out my fingertips. Rather, my fingers sat idly on home row waiting for inspiration that never came. "I could write about sports," I thought.
"Nah. I'd like to branch out a little more."
"How about politics?"
"Not at the moment."
"Music?"
"Maybe some musings about how Nas is the best rapper on the scene, while his 'competition,' Jay-Z, is absolute garbage almost 90 percent of the time. I'll save that topic for another time, though."
"How about a stream of consciousness post. You know, like a Larry King-style column."
"That's a helluva idea."

So that's what I'm going to do -- a Larry King column. For those of you who don't know, a Larry King column is a number of ideas set apart by ellipses. It's not linear, and nothing I say is really related to anything else I say. William Faulkner, eat your heart out.

Baltimore Orioles pitcher Sidney "I just can't push away from a plate at a buffet" Ponson found himself in another altercation yesterday. He hurt his hand fending off a would-be attacker. This time, he says it's not his fault, and while that's probably true, he's still a fat-ass, loser pitcher who's never reached his potential. ... Buddy Hackett's work in the number "Shipoopi" from The Music Man is his best acting performance ever. ... Noam Chomsky may be one of our finest media theorists, but if he wants his work to be valued at an even higher level, he should get some first-hand experience in a newsroom. ... Catch-22 is probably one of the most important fictional books ever written. Joseph Heller's tale of Yosarrian, a bombadier, is a biting social satire that should receive more focus in high school classrooms than Catcher in the Rye or The Grapes of Wrath or The Sound and the Fury or The Great Gatsby. If you want to read and enjoy a truly excellent piece of American literature, buy and read Heller's Catch-22. ... It astounds me that we have a president who says stuff like this: "Arbolist ... look up the word. I don't know. Maybe I made it up. Anyway, it's an arbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees." God, and he was voted back into office again. You know, it's rulers like these who, in the 18th century, would lead European countrires to revolution. Maybe we need a Bastille Day. ...

Arrested Development is the funniest show on television right now. ... Incidentally, FOX is the smartest programming network right now. And that will remain true until they decide to cancel Arrested Development. ... If you haven't seen Ray with Jamie Foxx, you're a damn fool. ... T-Rock may very well be the coolest person I have ever known in my entire life. And I'm sure that fact will never change. ... Singulair is the best drug for someone with asthma. ... Driving in Burlington, N.C., can be a trying experience. It's as though there's some sort of implied speed limit, where if the posted speed is 35 mph, you're really supposed to drive 25 mph. I honestly think it should be lawful for you to ram into the back of someone's car if they are unable to drive at least the speed limit. I mean, we all know the speed limit is a suggestion, but surely it's a suggestion on how slow you should drive, not how fast. I know people in the South like to move at a slower pace (probably because their brains don't operate as quickly), but this is ridiculous. ...

Maryland did not make the NCAA tournament, and I, for one, am happy. They shouldn't have been rewarded for a 7-9 conference record and three losses to Clemson. In fact, I think the NIT shouldn't have invited them. Furthermore, I'm pretty shocked the Terrapins beat Oral Roberts and Davidson in the tournament so far. This team was out of sorts all season, and the motley crew of ineptitude was led by the egotistical John Gilchrist and usually useless Nik Caner-Medley. The two of them needed to lead this team, and neither one stepped up to the challenge. Every good team has a player who won't let his team lose. The Terps didn't have that player. And now, Gilchrist says there's a 50 percent chance he might not return to Maryland for his senior season. Good luck, John. I hear those fifth-round NBA draft picks usually do big things. If Gilchrist, who has had about three good games in his entire college career, thinks he's going to make it in the NBA, he's in store for a rude awakening. I hear it's awfully lonely when you don't get drafted. Just ask Omar Cook.